need edits on essay

I have attached the actual essay that needs to be edited ,I have attached what’s edits needs to be done on the original essay.

There are some issues regarding the way it is presented the thesis, introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

The goal of the thesis and introduction is to grab the reader’s attention, and to provide three personal reasons that the topic is important to you. I don’t really see that here yet. Work on making your introduction clear and concise, and providing a clear preview of what the rest of the paper will be about. Dig into these and work to ensure that each element is as clear as possible.

Writing three fully developed supporting paragraphs for each of the points in your thesis statement is really important here. I’d like to see you work more on providing good, relevant examples supporting each point. You also want to make sure that your supporting paragraphs are in the same order as the topics in your thesis statement.

Essay has some errors in grammar, mechanics, and punctuation. You’ve gotten some of the formatting elements right, but take another look at the requirements and make sure that you hit all of them. These little details make a big difference to the reader

Please do not write a whole new essay ,just make changes to the one that I have provided to you.

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